To say I'm shocked would be a lie. To say I'm disappointed would be false also. I'm a bit of a bird on a wire. While it's another chunk of change, at this point the money is a drop in the bucket. All that matters is the One for whom my heart aches. (Did you know you can hurt to meet a being you have never known.) Money comes and goes...life and love not so. (Plus, I think this must be where our hyper-budgeting comes in to play...a real reason behind my madness.)
I'm trying, desperately people, to look at this as nothing but good. I get to meet her sooner. Hold her. Kiss her. Love her. Then, leave her...briefly. (I am choosing not to focus on the ache that will bring, at this point.) Only to return, gather her in my arms and bring her home. Forever.
The fear in me comes when I wonder if this is one step closer to a country closure. (This is based upon nothing but distrust.) I pray not. In my mind I believe not, but the trust, my trust hasn't fully returned. After the unthinkable happens, it is hard to reach down into the soul and completely rebuild it. And I know that I will never rest completely easy until all is said and done. Until she is home in her bed. In her room. In our house.
Then, at the point when we are family - when we are five - then I will rest easy.
I know this plan was laid out thousands of years ago. Not a day, hour, or minute goes by without having been pre-determined ages ago. I believe this. I know this is for good. Now, if I could just muster the patience and calmness to get through it in one emotionally stable piece.
I will rest easy. Some day soon. I will.
I know I will.
(Did I mention we now sit around #29...there's something to be said for that right?!)