The place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

"So, In Like A Christian Way Do You Kind Of Hate Her?"

That question was asked of me by someone from whom you would not expect to be asked that question.

And I am glad it was.

It was around October...after the proposal and before the first $2000 was due.

I have thought about hate or anger or dislike or frustration (or whatever other euphemism you so chose) a lot.

A. Lot.

And through "it all" based on nothing that my own sentiment, I could honestly say no, I didn't (don't) hate her. I don't really have any sort of animosity. I would say ambivalence sums up how I feel about the former Executive Director of Imagine Adoption.

My response to the individual who asked me this question, without giving it much thought at that particular moment was, "No, I don't hate her. Honestly I don't have the time of day to hate her. It would be a waste of energy and it wouldn't get me anywhere. She, unfortunately is the master of her own demise."

I still hold those words. Nothing has changed.

I'm not trying to stand on my soapbox. I'm not trying to seem "big" about it. It's just the truth.

I also don't hold her completely responsible. I firmly believe she is an individual who started out with the best of intentions, saw a lot of money come in and was sinfully taken by greed. We saw her interviewed on 100 Huntley Street and that interview was truly one of the reasons we went with Imagine. She had passion, heart, and seemed to have great character.

I believe she was completely cognizant of her actions. However, she was responsible to a Board of Directors. A whopping 3 of them. I hold them responsible also. She was accountable to them...and they were accountable for doing the right thing. Neither did a great job. Apparently. (And by the way, the new Board Of Directors rocks.)

So, while I don't hate her, there is talk by some of a (class action) lawsuit. I say no thanks.

Even in this particular season of frustration I seem to be having; When the wait seems eternal; Though I feel that we've been on this particular journey since forever and a day; And when there seems to be no end in sight; I don't hate her. It serves no purpose. There is nothing I could feel that likely could be worse than how she has felt for some time now.

It's odd to think of someone who has taken over $12,000 of your hard earned money, not to mention your time, passion, and energy, and not get worked up. It's hard to smile each time someone asks "how's the adoption going," and keep my head held high - knowing that had greed not taken over, our daughter would have been home (or very close) by now. It's hard to look in the closet and see the same clothes hanging there that have been hanging there for months and will continue to do so.

But I know this is a plan. It's the plan. And I just have to suck it up and enjoy the time we have now. Before the present is the past and the future is the present, I want to enjoy life. My life. The way it is. As I look over at the huge "just because" bouquet beside my computer, and I listen to the shrieks (mostly good) of my kids in the background, I am reminded that "no, I don't even hate her in a Christian way." Even though we're not all here yet, I am blessed. And though our dreams have been delayed a bit, she hasn't been taken away. She's just not ready yet.

I have it way too good to waste my energy on hate.


Janice said...

What a great post.

I agree that hate would be a waste of time. It's important to look toward the future and we now have an agency much better than the last with their priorities straight. I too feel fortunate to be where I am in my life and just want to enjoy every day (even though I want that referral REALLY bad).


Chad, Laura and Sara said...

Gosh, you took the words right out of my mouth. I could have written this posted myself - thanks for sharing so perfectly. I have been asked the same question and my response was very similar - I feel sorry for her and if I put my energy into her I would not of had the energy for anything else. I think our energy was WELL spent on much more productive and acheivable outcomes.


emily and mike said...

You have a great perspective on this whole thing. I'm glad you took the time to write this all down.

deborah said...

So funny, I was thinking about *her* yesterday too, and mulling over my feelings.
When I sit back and think about it, I realize that she is a sinner like the rest of us and though her actions have affected MANY, I am no better than her.

In some way, I feel kinda sorry for her, if that makes sense.