Trust

I haven't held off posting due to a lack things to say. Much the opposite. My head and heart are overflowing. I just don't know where to start. I don't know what I should say, what I should not...or how I feel about those things.

I read quite some time ago that people who feel the need to blog are egocentric. Bloggers are people who feel the need to puff up their chests and write about themselves alone. I feel the need to contradict that, but wouldn't I then be called biased? It could be said that I am justifying my actions. Would it look as though I felt I was the exception to the rule? Likely.

I digress.

The blog was started - and continues - as a Life Book. It is a journal of events I know I will someday forget. It will shed light on a part of her past. And it will help give meaning to her future. It is a following of our trials, the ups and downs, to complete a journey we know we were meant to travel. A Life Book is not a scrapbook, (I even took a course to better understand it) for those not familiar with the adoption related term or project.

As defined on suite101.com, simply (and very basically put) a Life Book...

[...] is the story of a child’s life. Beth O’Malley, in her book Lifebooks: Creating A Treasure For The Adopted Child [Adoption-Works Press, 2000], shares that when people ask her to explain what an adoption lifebook is, her first thought in reply to this question is to say that a lifebook is the “best gift in the world for an adoptee. It should be required for each adoption, just like the birth certificate.”

Beth O’Malley further explains that a lifebook for an adopted child or a foster child is a “security blanket, a concrete tool… a medium for one complete personal history. It promotes positive grasp of identity… It makes talking about adoption feel like everyday conversation. It promotes attachment.”

The lifebook is the child’s history explained in an easy to read, easy to understand format.

Again, I digress. I am not intending to swell my head each time I sign in to post news, updates, or share stories about our little life. So, when something as drastic as bankruptcy occurs, it is hard to come back and trustingly put faith back in "the system".

I am being challenged by this. We have just gone through over a year and a half of build up, only to have the walls come crashing down. Back at square one, there are days I still feel as though I am still peeling myself off the sidewalk upon which I was squashed, back on that awful day in mid-July. I am finding it hard to digest that we still have (likely) over a year of waiting until we have hope of a referral.

I am having trouble offering Trust.

But I know we must. We cannot give up hope. We will not turn out backs on something we know will come to realization. I guess this is faith defined though, is it not? Believing without seeing. Holding on to hope when there is no tangible evidence physically standing in front of you , forcing you to believe?!

I know that when the first referral comes, then the second and then the third, my heart will rest completely at ease. Confidence in the same system that let us down will be restored.

Until then, we will find hope in the little things. I cannot bring myself to purchase clothing, toys, or other such items. Gifts made are an exception. But for me, sewing, creating, designing, painting, decorating...that will all come after The Call.

So for today we will enjoy this new momento. A small reminder each time we walk through the dining room. A glimmer of hope each time we look up from building our puzzles. A light when the days of waiting seem never ending.

Trust is easily destroyed and slowly rebuilt.

The foundation, however is being formed.