The place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.
-Buechner

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Acceptance. A Four Worded Word.

ac·cept·ance

"acceptance pronunciation" [ak-sep-tuhns]
–noun
1. the act of taking or receiving something offered.
2. favorable reception; approval; favor.
3. the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory.
4. the fact or state of being accepted or acceptable.

Yesterday's news from Imagine was a tough pill to swallow. The long and the short (for those who don't receive bi-monthly updates) is that 3 of Imagine's 4 orphanages are located in regions in which MOWA (Ministry Of Women's Affairs - governing body supporting adoptions) has decided they will not support the adoption of relinquished children.

Hence the significant slow down in referrals this past month.

Hence the likely slow down of referrals over the next several month.

What we don't know is if this is a temporary situation and if it is, what exactly temporary means.

What we also don't know is if it will be possible to contract with other orphanages. Finances obviously play a role. (Though more was budgeted initially than is currently being used.) Negotiations with two other orphanages were ongoing several months ago, so perhaps that is also another possibility.

The door is not closed...it's just been left ajar for a bit.

And that is a tough pill to swallow.

But, as I tried to get some of it out of my system this morning on the pavement, I realized a few things...

(Aside from the "this sucks" sensation which flowed through my veins all day yesterday.)

We are still in this. We have an agency who had the transparency to share this information. It took them a few weeks but they were waiting until they had personally met with MOWA, (you recall last week's trip) to update us. They wanted first hand knowledge before telling their clients what the reason behind the sudden flood turn trickle of referrals.

And personally, I praise them for that.

It's still a hard pill to swallow.

It's been two years. I've seen friends have babies (yes, plural on both accounts). I've watched my babies turn into boys. I now appreciate it more, as they hold their friends' siblings (ironically, all girls) and continually sigh happily, rub their hands and smile as these babies look them up and down. My heart breaks because I know they want their baby sister here as much as I do. (Well, maybe not quite that much.)

It is all a hard pill to swallow.

What I know right now, as I look out my window at the sun shining and the clear blue sky (which makes everything a little better, doesn't it?!), is that we have time on our side. Don't get me wrong...the whole age gap between #2 and #3 isn't what we set forth to achieve when we started down this path. But it's not the end of the world. It's not the worst thing possible. We're still in this. And, as if I needed that reminder tangibly, yesterday afternoon a friend dropped by with a tiny gift which was perfect. And it made the pill slide down a little easier.

We can do this. One day at a time. One breath - deep deep breath - at a time.

We may not be as close as you...or perhaps we are much closer. But the hurt still hurts and the elation still sends us into a tizzy. We're in this too.

Acceptance.

I think I'm finally getting there...this all - you know, the process as a whole - is going to take awhile.

It's going to take time.

More.

Time.

But it will happen.

In God's time.

Acceptance.

I think I've finally realized that for me, it is a four worded word.

Not because I'm all that carass (though I sometimes am).

Not because I am thick skinned (though that also happens from time to time).

Not because I am trying not to feel the hurt, anguish, and exhaustion from simply waiting and wanting and waiting.

But because I have 2 other little boys who are also waiting. Not just for her but for me. To have fun. To play. To "come get fresh air, Mama" on the deck. To smile, laugh, run, swim, yell, build, teach, worship, share, read, engage, kick the flipping soccer ball.

Because I have no other choice.

Because I don't want to look back, years down the road and wonder what I did from 2008 to 2010.

Because I want to be a better, stronger, happier, more sensitive, giving Mama when (and it is a definite when) my boys get their baby sister.

So for now, for me, acceptance is a four worded word.

Suck It Up Princess


7 comments:

D said...

It was hard for me to read Imagine's letter too. We are so far down the list that it makes eternity seem that much more distant.

Much as this waiting can really suck, God does have His hand in this. And that keeps me going.
:)

deborah said...

weird.
that was me who wrote the comment above.

D Dae said...

So sorry to hear about the delays. It really sucks.

On your advice I did order a pair of Oliberte, they arrived today and like you I think they might be a smidge too big. What size did you end up at?

Chad, Laura and Sara said...

It more like swollowing a razer blade...I'm just so tired.

Ashleigh, Ben, Noah and Tait said...

I ended up at a US 5 1/2 which is their 36. WAY smaller than I ever wear but they are perfect. (I am a pretty consistent 7) Tal (president) was awesome about the exchange and I only had to pay ($14 postage) to get the originals (too big) back to him. He covered the rest. LOVE to see a pic! I can't log on to your site for some reason? Can you pm it to me?! Thanks!

Barbara said...

I think you're being a little hard on yourself. There's no need to suck it up. It's been a long hard process and it's going to be that way for awhile. I still haven't sent that last cheque in. I'm just not sure I have a chance, but you are so very close, so don't give up now!

Janice said...

Great post. I wish I had written every single one of your words on my blog. That is exactly how I feel.