The place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.
-Buechner

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Lots Of Nothing. Bits Of Everything

I'd like to share something. There's lots to say. Lots going on. Lots. Going. On. It's just the season. I want to blab and share more about our referral but truthfully I've publicly shared all that's going to be squeezed out of me.

And the truth of it is, while everything has changed it often seems like nothing has changed.

And while we still turn to one another frequently and announce with elation, (as if it's the first time saying it) "We Got Our Referral!" that's gotta get boring for everyone else to hear.

It's all the same.

But it's all different.

There's a face in the frame. Okay, there's a face in all those frames. Staring back at us. Pleading with us innocently, to come.

We're different. In ways perhaps not visible, perhaps not tangible but we're different.

I've still not bought anything baby. I never really have. Ironically, I've sold a few things. I've perused one or two of those "will need" items...with a bit more seriousness now. But I never started decorating a room. (It remains our guest room and will until after court.) I never purchased anything other than a pair of Robeez (after the restructuring was official). I knit and sewed a couple things but that was partly to pass the time and partly to feed the hopeful anticipation bubbling inside over the years. Yes, years.

Ironically, a couple months ago we sold our fabulous double chariot. It took months to gear up for that, as it felt in a way that I was giving up on the dream. Silly. Getting rid of a jogger when we were supposed to be increasing our family was hard. It was right and it was an important thing to do, but initially it was hard. I've not yet bought a new one. (I've admittedly drooled over a few, however.) About a year ago I won a large Playtex bottle gift basket. Worth about $100, it gathered dust until yesterday. I was finally ready to part with the cello-sealed items, as they aren't the ones I know I will use when she comes home. Until yesterday the thought of getting rid of them made me nauseous. (I don't know why yesterday was the turning point.)

Was I giving up by getting rid of the material items? Was I admitting defeat and lack of faith if I sold 'things'? I see now and have always been aware of the superficiality of this train of thought. Doesn't make it any easier though.

I still won't purchase anything. I simply can't bring myself, or allow myself to do it. The vulnerability of it is nearly too much. It would mean this dream, this journey, this faith walk is being truly, completely, actually realized. And that in itself is overwhelming. What did I ever do to deserve such a gift as this human life? What sacrifice have I made that is great enough to compensate for the priceless reality of the direction in which our journey has turned?

We have been gifted a few special items. And finally, finally I bit the bullet and accepted a gift offered to be purchased for me many many months ago and I cannot wait to receive my Junk Posse pendant*.

So we continue to hope, to dream, to pray - oh the prayer - fervently for our babe. The Beautiful Mercy (which has a much deeper meaning that those two simple words...and which will one day be shared) showered on us is sometimes - often - unbelievable.

So while it feels that there are infinite words and thoughts to share, in reality there's not too much to share right now. Field trips, birthday parties, retreats, walks, gardening, bubbles, and sprinklers currently occupy our days. We pass them enjoyably whilst anticipating that call, with a voice on the other end revealing our next milestone.

*dear canada post: please please puhlease don't go on strike.

2 comments:

Anna said...

The day will come soon when you'll be preparing her room, buying clothes, etc.! Until that time, enjoy the "lots of nothing, and bits of everything" in your life as you anticipate the day you bring home your baby girl!

elsie hiebert said...

It's funny how I also will not buy anything until we pass court. I'll probably go on a crazy shopping spree after that. Hope you get your court date soon.