The place God calls you is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.
-Buechner

Friday, May 13, 2011

Indescribable

I've been wanting to get some thoughts down. But the words won't come out of the thoughts.

It's indescribable, really. Over thirty-one months of waiting, anticipating, hoping, praying, culminating - changed on a dime. One ring of the phone and the way you had hoped it would, but couldn't fully comprehend - how could you? - your life is different. From what onlookers can see, your life, your family is unchanged. But in your heart, within your family, upon your family photo wall, within the deepest part of you, there has been complete transformation.

I woke up early this morning. I thought it was Saturday. Then I thought the referral was a dream. In a split second my heart leapt into my throat and in the pit of my stomach something was wrong. Within moments I rolled over, realized it was Friday and that the reality of our referral was just that: Our reality. It is real. She is real. And now our wait is for court. Now we pray for signatures and seals and words of legal confirmation. And we anticipate the date of when that will all take place - yes, that date. The next milestone. But I'm not impatient yet. We are now intertwined within a complex system of integrally moving parts which I greatly respect. No, we will wait with patience (at least for a little while).

So I made my way downstairs and cup of coffee in hand, I poured over our documents - her life as we know it - once again. As if to try and memorize the order of pages, each crucial detail and signature on the documents, I read it through again. And while not new to me now, each time I read through and absorb what we know of our small child I am struck. I'm in awe and I'm grateful. And I'm changed to the core. And I ache. And I cry - it is unstoppable. And I agonize over the thought of how this all came to be. And I am deeply grateful in an inexplicable, indescribable way.

How does one put into words the gratitude for one of the most sacrificial acts known to humankind?

And yet here we are, the recipients of grace and selflessness beyond what I could ever fathom.

4 comments:

Sarah said...

You write so beautifully Ashleigh. Thank you for sharing with us - it is so wonderful to read about your experience and to know that those calls really do come! Congrats again.

Gretta said...

This morning I was telling your story to a friend and we were both in tears. I wonder when I will stop crying. :)

darci said...

Beautiful!! I think the words came out of the thoughts perfectly..I loved what you said, how from the outside your family looks the same. But really everything has CHANGED! You are so right, and I feel exactly the same! It is AMAZING...and you can now say "3" when someone asks how many kids you have! Love it! Love it!
And yes!!! I want to "swap"...send me your email addy in FB and we'll do it!

Chad, Laura, Sara and Seth said...

Just beautiful Ashleigh. What a blessing to be part of something so miraculous.

Laura