Heart Wrenchingly Gut Achingly Horrible

I contemplated posting on this. It's more touchy for me than any other media published lately, by a landslide. I'm certain many are in the same boat. It's interesting, when other articles came out about the amount of money squandered and laundered and simply put: stolen, I had pity on the life these former Imaginers will now lead...and the quality of life they have been leading since July 2009.

Truthfully, however, there was no feeling of anger or "good, they got theirs" sense of revenge boiling in my veins. I think I had let all that go, months (years?) ago. It wasn't worth it. Money isn't worth wasting my energy over. It was a significant amount but it's just money. I read the articles...scanned them actually and the buck stopped there. I realize that had the money not been stolen, we'd likely all have completed our adoptions ages ago...but I am trying to take it from a monetary perspective. None of us were physically injured. Emotionally and mentally, yes without a doubt - and that pain is often worse than any physical agony we could ever endure. Yet we all had each other, we were alive and not at risk of starvation, malnutrition, or being cared for.

But I read this the other day and couldn't get through it without feeling my heart and my stomach invading my throat. I couldn't breathe. I finished the article, took a deep breath, and that's when reality of this kick in the gut really took ahold of my heart. Because the children were hurt. The lives of these innocent, naive, pure, small orphaned children were jeopardized.

“We knew it was bad,” Giesbrecht said. “There were allegations of food running out. Liquids running out. Certainly money had run out long ago.”

I've heard stories. I had been in the know about some of "how bad" it was, but there were parts of the story (as I'm certain there still are) about which I was completely oblivious. I heard via one parent that she will never share just how bad it was when she arrived immediately following the announcement of the near-tragedy to pick up her child(ren). I think dire would be an understatement.

It was that bad. That sickening. That evil. That wrong.

Employees of the home were bringing their own food to keep the children from going hungry, but were really in no position to do so because the agency hadn’t paid, he [Geisbrecht] said.

[...] The home had $31,000 in unpaid bills for food, rent, hydro and remuneration to staff.

And, while I am still trying to get my mind around the ability of one (or two) people to allow - no! to catalyze - this situation to become so grave that an organization in Ethiopia is out by $31,000 canadian dollars (!), I still feel only fear for those children.

I can attribute my (lack of) sentiments towards S Hayhow as numbness and a sense of apathy. I don't feel anything. What her life has morphed into is tragic. And I would say there's nothing any of us could do or say or feel to make it any more deplorable.

And so I am comforted in the knowledge that those children - all of them - made it out. They are home. And more are coming. And when our child is home, when she is in her bed, in her room, beside her rambunctious early rising older brothers, then and only then will I feel that we conquered the evil that nearly re-routed the path of this family.