Don't Know What You've Got Until It's (Almost) Gone

It nearly happened.

Our dream...this little family's journey...it was nearly gone. Not permanently, but for a time.

The roller-coaster almost had us. Call it exhaustion. Call it evil. Call it plain old near quitting time. We were about done in.

And so, unified, we walked into our agency. Words planned, hearts in line, thoughts congruent.

And we spoke.

And we were supported.

And we left.

And it was not okay.

We nearly lost our way. It was an intentional, well-thought out, well communicated desire until it took on a form we had not anticipated - once voiced to a third party.

And we were blessed by timing.

And now we feel grateful.

You see, you don't truly know what you (could) have until you've (nearly) lost it. Weary from waiting. Jaded by parts of the process. Fatigued by the unknown. We could have allowed it to slip away.

We're back. From a different perspective the wait is okay. From this perch, holding on a wee bit longer doesn't hold such a painstaking corner in this antiquated heart. It - the journey - is unchanged in many ways but it hasn't been stolen. Nor have we let it slip away. It's still within arms' reach.

So we will continue to wait. Patiently some days...not so on others.

We will wait.

This fight. The one for our child: it's not over. It won't be over until we win.

And we will win.

Because good always presides over evil.

Because until you believe in something greater than yourself, you can never achieve things greater than yourself.

And this is so so very much greater than us.

So we're off. For a break. Much needed after such illness, concussion, more illness and then the drama of...well...you know, followed by (or is it coupled with?) - you guessed it - more illness.

Daily photo digests are likely to ensue...and if a pertinent update is necessary, words too shall follow.

Until then, be thankful for the journey - as wrought with anguish and frustration, highs and lows, smiles and tears, elation and frustrations as it may be. Be thankful.

No one ever claimed it would be easy.

No, they certainly did not.

...Weeping may endure for a night,

but joy comes in the morning.

Psalm 30:5

Assessing The Best Plan Of Action

Time. Space. Uncertainty. Rest. Prayer. Sovereignty. Grace.

You'll have to excuse the quiet which I believe is necessary in this space for a time.

Perhaps a few days more than usual...maybe longer.

Time is needed.

Decisions will possibly - likely - need to be made.

Meetings held.

Discussions imminent.

Prayer would be gratefully and gracefully coveted and accepted.

Please understand...we need a wee bit of space.

We don't know yet what this all means.

ETHIOPIA UPDATE 3/11/11

Following are our notes from the Department of State Office of Children’s Issues conference call regarding Ethiopian adoptions conducted earlier today. These notes do not represent nor are they in any way attributable to the Department of State or US Citizenship and Immigration Services. We are providing the notes with respect to those who could not participate in the conference.

We extend our thanks to the Department of State for conducting the conference call and to US Citizenship and Immigration Services for their participation and contributions.

_______________________________________________________________

The Department of State is Actively Involved

The Ethiopian Ministry of Women’s, Children’s and Youth Affairs announced a reduction in the processing of intercountry adoption cases from 50 per day to 5 per day, effective March 10, 2011.

The Department of State is actively involved in discussions with the Government of Ethiopia, other governments and stakeholders.

A coalition of countries is preparing a proposal to assist the Ministry increase its capacity.

Embassy suggested that children with special need’s cases should not be delayed.

The US Embassy officials have a scheduled meeting with the Ministry of Women’s, Children’s and Youth Affairs for Monday, March 14, 2011.

There are areas of concern related to intercountry adoption, however the reduction is disproportionate.

Adoption Cases

Currently there are no implementation guidelines for in-process cases.

For adoption cases registered with the Ethiopian court, the best estimate is a one-year delay.

The staff change at the Ministry of Women’s, Children’s and Youth Affairs has been confirmed as taking effect the week of March 13, 2011. The impact this will have on adoption cases is not known.

It is estimated that between 800-1,000 adoption cases are currently on the docket of Ethiopian courts.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!

Wait for the Lord; be strong,

and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:13,14

Glimmers Of Hope

I was reminded this morning that there is hope.

That some speed bumps are larger than others.

That some rumours spread faster than others.

That fact still must be separated from fiction.

That I must remain patient.

That this is His course for us.

That - as twisted as it may sound (and often feels) - were it not for these speed bumps, these hiccups, these losing-my-ever-loving-mind-moments kneaded together (over and over) with the ever-present reminder of His sovereignty, we would not be matched with the child pre-destined to be ours.

There have been small reminders - brief enough to have gone by unnoticed had we not been seeking - that all these happenings were written long before us, or any desire that had been planted in our hearts. Details which could have meant the end.

They did not.

They have not signified an end.

Over and over again we have been "spared" from finality.

For those reasons...all of them...we continue to hold on.

Because of these glimmers of hope we have, we continue to follow...uncertain of the path ahead yet certain of our Leader's ways.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 15:13

Get Me The Heck Out Of Dodge

I am not even about to horrify you with the graphic depiction and mental image of what went on around here this past weekend...this past week. Ups and downs...lots of ups (as in up-chucking), and downs (as in small child weight loss due to more than "just" the flu) and a whole stinkin' bunch of in betweens.

{a calorie packing tactic...milkshakes on a weekday...in the middle of the day...any colour they wanted}

I believe I was pushed to a melting point and relieved just moments before it actually occurred.

And then more. Of a different nature...you know, from the journey.

This. journey.

I often wonder how much more we can take. How many more ups and downs of the roller coaster. How many more twisty turns that leave your stomach in your throat. How much longer to claim, "but we are so so so close".

I wonder.

Where will we be in a month, in two months, in a half dozen.

I know for certain that without this thing we call f.a.i.t.h., we'd be dead in the water.

I am assured of the path - this path - from time to time when I catch a glimpse of His sovereignty. The details we never could have anticipated to have mattered two or three years ago are now the difference between still "being in this thing" or simply put: Not.

There are moments of which I am ashamed as I feel my faith is weak and I'm not trusting enough. Those moments are countered with the realization that if this faith of mine, of ours, did not exist, we would have thrown in the towel long ago.

There's a fine balance though, isn't there? Between being faithful to stay on course and wondering if the journey was in fact the lesson.

We continue to experience enough gentle taps to the heart and moments that "could only be His doing" to know that we are being obedient.

And we will continue to listen.

Between the journey of our small family and the journey hiccup-filled (some hiccups such as this, awaiting confirmation!) towards our fifth member, it's been rocky these past many days. There've been many moments we have felt on the brink of sanity.

It won't be long now. We will be getting the heck out of Dodge...at least for a short while. Days are numbered. We cannot wait.

As for the unconfirmed threats, please please pray. We truly are so close to her.

Patience Is Spelled G-L-I-T-T-E-R

Between the rain and the sun and the snow and the gray and the coughs and the headaches and the plain old "it's an inside jammies day", we pulled out the glitter. It's (the glitter) a last ditch effort to salvage a day that truly could swing either way. It screams "get your super patient, deep breathing" behaviour ready to go.

{yes. one must keep a topped up, hot cup of coffee close at hand, during any crafting involving glue and small children}

Ah, the glitter.

Not much...just enough to keep everyone at bay...including said Mama...in all of her wonderfully ornery ways.

And, it was fun.

Some of us continued writing our "To Do" lists - initiated by yesterday's power outage. Some of us also found great joy and satisfaction in ticking off tasks already completed sometime over the past 24 hours.

{while i never prepared any lists prior to going into physical labour, after recently glancing over the shoulder of the husband of a good friend - who had just birthed her babe, i was shocked and awed at the detail into which she went, when preparing her "call" list. it got me to thinking...it is slightly possible that after waiting over two and a half dozen months, i may just be dumbfounded enough to forget who to call...and even more importantly, if i do remember who to call, it is with certainty that i can say i will not be of sound mind enough to know phone numbers by heart! i do believe i'll be grateful if i can say my own name and phone number during those very moments. how horrible would it be to forget to call some of those most prominent and integral in this journey, simply because one did not think to write out her list?! suffice to say, said line item on said list is now complete and ticked off}

Others of us glued and stickered to our hearts' content.

Oh, it was good.

Late last night - a surge of "I must sew something now" pulsed through these veins and so I got to work preparing for one small five year old's party. I trust she'll find as much joy while twirling as I did while stitching (ah hem...and stitch ripping).

It's a simple, quick pattern, (quicker if your brain is firing on all cylinders...which mine is not, as the clock ticks closer and closer to midnight).

{oh! what horrible lighting...at least you get an mind's eye}

{what's a ruffled skirt without a small handbag?!}

I would highly recommend it (here) - and can't wait to try my hand at it again some day...hopefully soon...and hopefully not for someone else's child. It's not that we don't love to share around here.

But.

Well.

You know.

Specificity

I've made guesstimates about referral timing in the past, (insert laughter, hard enough to make you double over here). There's no rhyme or reason to when a referral will come. Sure, there's some order to the madness but there are a ton of factors which go in to matching (and eventually referring!) a child to a family.

• a family's age, gender, health, birth region request(s)...
• a family's composition including number of children already in the family, age of parents, religious affiliation (or not)...
• date which file arrived in ethiopia
• God's timing and plan for said family
• program changes, new policies, country requirements...
• multiple other reasons of which we may or may (likely) not be aware

I'm not about to make another guess as to when our Call will come. It would be as haphazard as my getting a hole in one. However, I (we) can pray about it. And we can be specific about our prayers...actually we aren't we supposed to be? There's an element of faith to this specificity, isn't there. Knowing that yes, God does hear the prayers of His children...and then knowing this truth, we must also be mindful, and accept that this is all planned out.

His timing.

His perfect plan. His desires. His omni-presence in the whole situation...the whole journey.

So, while there's no need to share them, (the specifics) I can say we are praying for finite timing. Knowing full well that the dates, months, requests in our hearts, minds, and uplifted voices may not alight with those of the Father...and equally embracing this, His will. It would be greatly appreciated if you would (continue to) pray that our specific requests be heard...and that we would embrace the Sovereignty with which (whom!?) we seek to walk.

Warm And Fuzzy

Well, it came.

From my Win several weeks ago...it all finally arrived.

And my only regret is that I didn't order more.

It's lovely and bright and makes my heart warm.

Oh the two referrals (that affect us!) just announced also warm my heart. Thank you Lord.

What doesn't warm my heart is the somewhat substantiated rumour that there will be five (adoption) cases processed per day now, whereas up until now there have been forty per day. Whoa. That's bad news bears, if you were to ask one certain four year old, (rhetorically his Mama agrees).

I cannot let it bother me as I've not heard it from our horse's mouth, but suffice to say it's out of our hands and we can do nothing but pray about it. Could you too? Cutting to five from forty would be like a(nother) kick in the gut.

But He is Sovereign and we have to rest in that certainty.

Window Washer Extraordinaire

Apparently in BC we get extra creative with our (ah hem, unwanted) snow.

Twenty-Nine

Is the word 'twenty-nine' even supposed to be hyphenated? I'm not sure. I'm also not sure I care to look it up. Usually ornery enough to want to inquire and see if spell-check is recommended, I can truthfully admit I never anticipated having to type the letters forming those above two words. I recall a family receiving a referral for a (requested) infant after just slightly longer than this wait and thinking naively, "I'm glad our range is more open than that". It was only a few short months ago that the thought (and referral!) took place...yet I'd give my left arm to know we were only a couple of weeks away from a call. The Call.

Yet we're not*. We are months from our call - at best. Of this I am certain. As of three weeks ago we were not matched and it was not anticipated that we would be at this point in time. It's a bit of a pill to swallow. Knowing that after nearly two and a half dozen months DTE, we still aren't matched. After increasing our age acceptance range, no difference (seemingly) was made. A few days short of three years marking the start of this journey, (ie: writing cheque number one) we are still feeling - though knowing in reality it is not true - as though we are at square one. (Okay so the royal "we" could mean "I" in this situation - some of "us" are more even-keeled and optimistic than others...just saying.)

Looking back does no good. Stagnating in the now and dwelling in the pity of it doesn't change anything either. Focusing forward whilst enjoying the here and now, (for we are all healthy, happy, blessed beyond measure, and looking forward to shared family moments just around the corner) is the only road to take. Pity, really, should not be an option or in the realm of thought.

Asking for much prayer. Hoping for a miracle in the form of a phone call - sooner than later - is the phenomenon to which we cling.

We enjoy the small moments - those glimpses of daily miracles we miss, simply because of their frequency. The bubbles blown, the tooth stain originally thought to be a cavity, the popsicle enjoyed on a snowy day, the reality of a statutory declaration not having to be paid twice over within a two week period- though an integral notary would not backdate a document, a merger which will increase the viability of a phenomenal agency which has risen from the ashes and who will now boast leadership in the form of an executive director. The list continues. (As do the run-on sentences, apparently.) These are moments on which we must focus...or else we lose our focus.

There you have it: thoughts at twenty-nine months. Hyphenated or not, here's to another month ahead...a month of prayer and joy, a month of movement and angels dancing.

*no, Imagine did not divulge that information directly to me. the source, however is as reliable as they come.

Slowly...And With Patience

A morning with Crazy Auntie Steph...and a little bird seed.

"Because those big white bad birds like bread...so we can't bring bread Mama, we have to bring the seed!" Tait reminded us all. (Uh, when they fly overhead they're all bad birds, kiddo.)

Hmmm, not unlike this journey, those pigeons sure do take awhile to do whatcha' want.

"Heeeere little pigeon...come here little pigeon," repeated one small five year old.

He had the patience of Job.

Though I'm quite certain that is not what finally enticed them.

{my parents own a place on granville right near the market...and since they live out of the country most of the year, we have the privilege of heading over and enjoying it}

Cityscape

There are few things as breath-taking as a beautiful, clear Vancouver morning. I would anticipate - in a different way - an Ethiopian morning would be beautiful, too.

A girl can dream, can't she?

Not The Sticks...

...because some mornings it's fun to wake up somewhere different.

Something Gave

There have been many moments along the way when I've thought to myself, "something has got to give...we can't keep _____" (waiting, paying more legal fees, holding on, wondering, hoping, etc).

The seemingly incessant, continual requirement of updating documents, accepting new policies or requirements can wear on a girl after awhile. "Effective immediately" are words I could live without. The adrenaline rush - while sometimes a welcome change to the pace of a slow day - can become nauseating, exhausting, and downright stressful.

So, while the most recent requirement was another tiresome reminder of the "more more more" theme of this journey, it didn't add as much stress as in the past. I wasn't as bothered. The thought of more paperwork, a visit to our friendly notary, and more fees didn't get me as tightly wound as I would have anticipated. And I even waited expectantly for that feeling of stress so often embodied in a migraine. But nothing - other than a strange sense of peace.

Very odd.

Perhaps I'm becoming numb. Perhaps I truly feel it is one step closer. Perhaps...maybe...it was a whole lot of prayer (not just ours).

Regardless, I felt a calmness about it. Sure, there was plenty of phoning and running around and emailing - all with haste...but not with the usual "ARGH!" mentality.

And whaddya know...it really was all okay. (Insert heavy-laden sarcasm here.)

Our notary, with uncompromising integrity, signed, dated, and sealed a new document - free of charge.

And though a payment had been made two weeks ago, (two weeks people!) the process for which it was paying hasn't been completed and so that nearly $300 fee will not have to be made again.

The ducks are lining up. Everything is falling in to place. All is now quiet on the western front (for now, anyway).

God's sovereignty is tangibly evident once again.

Like there was ever any doubt.

It Doesn't Grow On Trees. And It Is Only Money.

It appears there may need to be some more forking over of that really useful stuff...what's it called again?

Oh right: money.

In an effort not to let something I cannot change get me all in a bind (because nearly $300 twice in nearly as many weeks is enough to make a girl cringe), I'm reminding myself of the important and truthful facts of the matter:

• I did not enter this world with any
• I certainly will not leave this world with any
• If more t's crossed and i's dotted is what it takes, then that's what we'll do
• Paperwork shmaperwork...I am up for the challenge...and if the name of the game is loopholes, policies, and procedures then I guess I'm in. It is getting a little exhausting though.

We, uh, somewhat enjoyed our Soccer Saturday: The Second Edition.

The practice and game were great.

The rain...not so much.

The liquid sun did not deter one small five year old from playing his heart out. He was the last man standing when the game was called...five minutes before it should have actually ended.

That's what happens when two of the seven players remain on the field. The others (understandably) left for home...were in tears...or refused to play as the feeling in their poor little hands had departed several minutes prior.

The fresh air was still wonderful. (Three out of four members in this household agreed.)

And we live in BC...what did we expect? At least it wasn't minus 20.

Trusting Again. With A Capital "T".

trust

[truhst]

-noun

1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence
2. confident expectation of something; hope
3. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust
4. the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust

This journey which has, from day one, claimed to not be for the faint of heart is more like a journey not for the faint of faith. Imagine has merged (well, has started the process of doing so) with Mission Of Tears.

When I first lay eyes on the title of the email early this week, my heart skipped a beat. In a good way. Light in the future. Hope of a future. Strength in numbers - staff, finances, years of experience combined with knowledge - was one of my first thoughts.

I am intuitive. My gut is very often right. I have learned to trust it and it has not failed me in the past.

I read through the Press Release and the FAQs and while there were approximately a million questions (give or take), the feeling of "this is good...this will be good" resounded within my gut, my heart, and my head. (I could be in the minority...)

Growing pains? Likely.

Perfect? No. (What is?!)

Ideal? Definitely not. (I think we kissed ideal goodbye in July 2009.)

Sadness intertwined? Yes. (We will have to say goodbye to several staff who have seen us through thick and thin...all the while supporting us families to the best of their ability.)

Immediately after the bankruptcy I had some brief communication with MOT and I felt supported and encouraged. I am thankful for this opportunity. I am grateful for hope of a future of experiencing wee Ethiopian orphans united with family...of experiencing the miracle of our wee Ethiopian united with her family. I have to remain confident...because this was the plan all along. Although likely none of us saw it coming.

So, there you have it...a merger.

Trusting another new agency.

Hoping for our miracles.

Praying with faith and knowing with confidence that this has always been part of the plan.

Bits And Pieces

Bits and Pieces from the day...

Tait, on the way to bed:

Mama! I am so excited for tomorrow to come. I get to go to the dentist.

If only we all had the excitement of a sweetly naive just-four year old. I was reminded that it is a privilege not a right, to receive medical care. Thank you little man.

Noah, on the way home from school:

Mama, did you know when you go to heaven you get a new body? The bumps and bruises are all gone and you are good as new.

Through the tragic passing of his classmate's sister, I am certain this five year old has learned more in the past two weeks about death and loss than I did in all my elementary years.

Shared by an ever-encouraging friend after some frustrating yet not overly surprising news this afternoon:

The writer of Hebrews reminds us that without faith it is impossible to please God (Heb 11:6). Whenever God reveals something, He expects us to believe Him and adjust our lives accordingly. What does this mean? It means we trust Him implicitly for all of our needs, because He says He will provide (Phil 4:19). It means we approach crises with the assurance that God will bring good from them (Rom 8:28). It means we overcome anxiety during stressful situations because God instructs us to bring our requests to Him (Phil 4:6). It means that we never worry that we are alone, because God said He would never leave us or forsake us (Deut. 31:6). It means that, despite what happens in our lives, we will never doubt God's love because He has told us that He loves us with an everlasting love (Jer 31:3).

Another First: The Soccer Saturday Edition

Shin guards still on, he's beaming - grinning from ear to ear.

{warming up}

The practice/game combo ended four and a half hours ago.

{my new calling in life:

develop and patent a velco cleat...this lace up stuff gets old, quick}

Never has one small boy been so excited about a game not won.

Another Noah on his team, they wondered what to nickname him. It took moments to contemplate, "Wheels". Later on, within these four walls, it was determined that perhaps "Beckham" would be more appropriate.

{if you know me, you know i'm looking at the wee man in the background

...and anticipating}

You see, we grow 'em small around here. But boy, can they run. Ah hem, he...boy, can he run.

There will be Saturday morning moments in the life of this small family upon which we will reflect with joy. This shall be one. This one was for the books.

Joining the season halfway through, no one would have known.

A loss of 3 - 6 was no biggie: he scored all 3 goals.

The purchase of Rawlings cleats was a highlight: until this Mama was made aware of her rookie mistake. (Well, how was I to know Rawlings only makes baseball cleats?!) Apparently a cleat isn't simply a cleat. Yet, they worked just fine. (Plus, now they'll come in handy for two seasons.)

The animation emanating from each move, more than made up for the face plant which blurred...morphed...into the second goal.

The sheer revelry personified in the lifting ("scores!!") and the high-fiving of little arms was incredible.

Saturday morning's have evolved for us.

I could easily embrace the new role of Soccer Mama.

Now, if I could just remember the right brand of cleats. Oh yeah - and patent velcro cleats.

Lego Anyone?