It's Closing In

Can you feel it?

That crisp fall feel in the air?

It's sneaking it's way in to those early morning sunrises and those after supper playtimes.

Day by day it wriggles into the dew on the grass and the chill in the air just a teeny bit more than the one before.

It's closing in...the end of summer is near.

Our summer will climax at it's very end: starting this Sunday to be precise. It will peak for an entire week and then, as if imitating a firecracker it will BANG and all will cease.

All will be silent.

And the knowledge, recollection, and sheer understanding of the fact that nearly 4000 campers inhabited, dwelled, lived, grew, were changed, found life, sought more, were offered something they couldn't have - in their wildest imaginations - ever imagined possible will be but that: mere knowledge.

Like waking from a dream, within a split second the atmosphere will morph.

It's an unexplainable phenomenon, our end of summer.

So, while doing our best, (now that it seems we've exited the horridness that was our flu-filled-four-walls) to enjoy every last minute of the sun, we headed off to enjoy what was supposed to be a hot morning. It was a slightly spur of the moment mini-adventure and it was wonderful.

Another morning at the lake.

It baffles my mind...

the way this small three year old...

has gone from timid...

to intrepid...

all in one short summer...

without so much as a nudge in...

he now takes pleasure in being the first, and making the biggest splash.

And this sweet, small five year old boy...

is king of the crawlers...

through sheer determination...

he has mastered the art of quickly, quietly swimming his way to the dock...

without so much as a...

"look at me go!"...

he persevered and presses on...never to be pushed around or made fearful of the deep blue beneath him.

Now let's pause a moment while I share with you about this man.

Words could never adequately explain or do justice to my feelings for him.

He is the one who, daily, many many times reminds me he thinks I am beautiful.

He is the one who tells me daily of his love, his devotion, and his desire for me.

He is the one who has my heart and who holds it gently, carefully, unconditionally, each and every single day.

And that was our little family's little adventure to the Lake one final time.

And it was lovely.

3am Ramblings

Before I mutter useless curses at the cricket outside, I must remind myself of the blessing of living somewhere in this populated planet, where our land is large enough and grass thick enough, and surroundings silent enough that I can hear even this small creature in the wee hours of the night. I am thankful.

I just wish it wasn't a 3am sort of thankfulness.

Truthfully however, if there is a reason to be awake at such an hour, this one (my dear cricket friend) is much better than that to which I have been privy over the past 72 hours.

It's been a bit of a go around here. I can now officially claim no fun in cleaning vomit off one small five year old's top bunk at midnight. (As if that needed to be made official in the first place.) The poor guy managed to perfect his aim into "the bowl" during the course of this flu but it wasn't a fun feat to accomplish. And unfortunately in this case, as with many things in life: practice did make perfect.

I can also claim that having a body which will happily reject an unwanted flu bug via the top half of one's body would be phenomenal. I must master the art of throwing up in my lifetime. Let's call it some sort of twisted goal, achieved only once before. Ever.

I have never ached the way I have this week. This evil bug got hold of the eldest sweet boy and his Mama and raged until it could rage no more and we thought it was done...only to have it come back for one more small kick at the can. Here's to hoping it is truly gone and that it is one to which you do not fall victim. I never knew the follicles of one's head could ache but I am now here to proclaim: they most certainly can.

I have felt much to say recently but with no words. Prayers. Utterances. Nothing forming full thought, sound, and intelligent wording has come to mind so while I guess it is safe to say that while I am back to blogging I feel it could be more sporadic than in times past.

Briefly I will share I recently finished up a book shared by a friend who is a transracial Mama herself. Her kids are a bit older as is the book and while the concepts weren't new to me, examples shared and scenarios offered were enlightening throughout. While it may often be repetitive, I don't feel we can ever educate ourselves enough on raising healthy children: black, white, yellow, purple, or green. It's a responsibility that comes hand-in-hand with the privilege of becoming a parent.

Raising The Rainbow Generation would be a good read if you're looking for some education on raising your children in a multi-racial world, in a healthy way.

There have been several referrals over the past 6, (okay, it is 3am) 7 days now. I'm pleased as it means paperwork is being completed and documentation is coming out of the offices it should be coming out of. However, with the exception of one, all referrals thus far have been for older (and) sibling children. And, while I whole heartedly believe that this process is about so many things and is so multi-faceted that beginning such a monologue would certainly not do it any justice at 3am...it would be truly exciting to see some of those who have been waiting for over 24 months for their infants, to become family.

I believe each and every child deserves the opportunity at a healthy, happy, dignifying life. And my prayer is that those who have been waiting so very very long will see their patience come to fruition. The recent announcements have been encouraging (!) nonetheless.

So now, while my friend outside seems to have silenced himself...perhaps he has found slumber, I shall try and go do the same.

Twenty Three

Wow.

Really?!

Here's to a month full of movement.

Fourth Annual

Our summers are full.

Busy with a ministry that may as well be happening overseas.

Crazy simply due to the fact that we are a family with two small children.

There are adventures, trips, and memories that many families may make over the summer - and only over the summer - which they consider priceless. And, I have no doubt that they are. Camping, road tripping, backyard tenting...these are all a part of it.

For us though it doesn't happen in long overnight or week long adventures. Our summer traditions and memories take place in short bursts. And I feel they are just as priceless. We don't have to wander far from our own backyard to make memories which the boys request annually and which warm my heart when I think of them.

Interesting, that while our summers are busy for a not-so-common reason, and at the end of the day we all crash and I often think: wow, where do they get the energy...I cannot wait to add to our sweet little family. I yearn to feel that we are all here.

I honestly, truly make the most of our time as four, knowing, praying, wanting, aching to be five.

And so one day - one sweet God-only-knows day - we will be five.

Until then, we will continue to enjoy and create our memories and traditions as four.

Isn't that what summer is all about?

...And Later That Day

I prayed for a specific sign today.

Down and, well, not Out but...you know...I prayed that I would see something, hear anything that would be an obvious "yes, Ashleigh this is your journey...the one for which you were pre-destined" answer.

A couple of hours ago, a referral was given. Not ours. One that, while it affects us it doesn't affect us at the same time. Several months ago, many families requesting siblings also added their names to the list of those of us requesting singles. Several of them have had files in Ethiopia since early 2008, which therefore places them ahead of us on "the list". We don't know who they are and what their requests are for, as they aren't on any list we can see.

I wasn't aware of this referral request but it was for a family who did just this. When they decided to place their name on the singles list, they requested either gender between the age of 0-9mths. Their referral just a few hours ago was for a baby girl who was born in March.

I don't think it gets too much more obvious.

I still feel this is a battle. I still feel exhausted. My heart doesn't leap anymore when I read the words referral. There is joy. Oh, is there ever joy. But the excitement which one would inevitably anticipate, no longer comes. The fear of yet another hurdle lurks in the shadows.

So continue to pray.

Please.

Fervently.

Because, our God speaks and moves and performs millions of miracles daily.

But I am a simple follower.

Faithful though not always confident, bold, or strong enough to stand strong in it alone.

Here's to dozens more.

Referrals for girls and boys.

Referrals for babies and toddlers and small children alike.

Here's to a battle fought.

Here's to a battle being won.

One small soul at a time.

(Apparently I'm back into blogging...)

Ups And Downs, Ins And Outs, Frustrations And Elations, Anticipation and Exhaustion

I'm not sure where to start.

I posted a few days ago my excitement at the fact that our 2yr homestudy update is now complete and should have at this time reached Imagine. Pat on the back Ms Type A for getting this bad boy out the door a mere 5 or 6 weeks early. I was not, in no uncertain terms going to allow for any delays on my watch. For a few fleeting moments I felt the same high as on Sept 23, 2008 when our dossier arrived in Ethiopia.

I was suddenly thrown back in to present day and the knowledge that though there was a great little flurry of referral activity several weeks ago...several weeks ago. We are now in no man's land again and drought-ville is getting this Mama down in the dumps.

I know, I know people that referrals are on the horizon. There are many in wait. They are sitting there needing a bit more documentation. I realize we are signing (have signed?) a contract with a new orphanage. In my mind these are all really really great things.

But the question still needs to be asked: How Long?

How long does one wait for "the next best thing"?

From a...

• bankruptcy to creditors meeting
• creditors meeting to a restructuring plan
• restructuring plan to a voted acceptance from the majority of families
• from acceptance to re-accreditation
• from re-accreditation to re-established orphanage and other Ethiopian relationships
• from re-established relationships to referrals
• from referrals to a ban
• from a ban to new legislation post-ban (let's not forget the second trip policy established during this time)

My heart is weary.

My mind, in my rational mind I know that patience is the name of the game. That we are on the brink of movement. That I must must must keep the faith, as I've been reminded many times over.

I also know that, as was commented by a good friend the other day after a post that I believe in whole-heartedly, "there are no orphans in the world, Satan wants them all". I know this. But my heart aches and breaks and screams at the injustice that is this wait. And I do believe it is a battle between good and evil. And I do want to kick Satan's a%&.

And I do want win. We have to win.

But right now I'm down, out, frustrated, and exhausted.

So perhaps a little prayer. Could you offer a little up on our behalf? Because I'm not sure how much longer I can be up, in, elated, or excited. What I do know is that there is a little girl out there whose face I do not know, whose name and age I am not aware, but who is meant to be ours. Whose body I am meant to hold tight. Whose heart will be mine to protect. And for whom I must stand steadfast in this some days excruciating journey.

Slippery Summer Sliding Seems Super Sudsy

Our biggest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure. We ask ourselves "who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous"?

Actually, who are you not to be?

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Spiritual attack against those who adopt

Spiritual attack against those who adopt

Courtesy of It's Almost Naptime!!

A friend of mine has announced she and her husband are planning to adopt, this time a child through foster care. Yea!!

We've been praying for God to soften her husband's heart towards adoption, and it appears that God has answered those prayers. She and her husband have had several good, 'maybe we should do this' conversations in the past week. She emailed me to tell me all this, knowing I would rejoice.

Then, at the bottom of her email, was another prayer request:Weird, unusual things are happening. I feel like we are under spiritual attack? Please pray for that.

Which reminds me of an almost identical email I received from our dear friends the Hornes the week that they announced they were adopting from Ethiopia: Weird, unusual things are happening. I don't know how else to say it, but I feel like we are under spiritual attack?

Does the enemy attack those who seek to adopt?

Oh, my skull. Oh, my sweet skull.

Does the enemy want to prevent the fatherless to be placed in families?
Yes.
Does the enemy want to prevent the Church from telling the fatherless about Christ?
Yes.
Does the enemy hate the beautiful way that the Father's love for us in seeking us, finding us, calling us His children, giving us His name and His glorious inheritance is tangibly represented here on Earth?
Yes.
Does the enemy want to stop us from becoming a walking, talking, hugging, tickling, giggling, sacrificing, loving, live action portrait of the Gospel?
I mean this quite literally y'all:
Hell yes.

Walker and I had been toying with beginning the adoption process for years, and finally, last summer, we announced to our friends and to you that we were indeed starting the process. Problem was, we needed to sell our house first.

We tidied up a little bit, then we listed it, saying repeatedly, As soon as it sells, we will adopt.

On July 13, the house went on the market.
On July 20, the ceiling fell in.
And that was just the beginning.

A few days later, I sent out this email to some of you:

Y'all, we covet your prayers. As you know, we have decided to list our house. The only reason - and I mean the ONLY reason - we are trying to move right now is so that we can begin adoption proceedings.

Our house has been on the market about 10 days. As you know, a faucet was left running upstairs and a giant hole appeared in our ceiling. We pulled the house for several days while we got that fixed. The house went back on the market yesterday.

I woke up this morning and the upstairs carpet - which was just shampooed - was covered in RED toothpaste, the ovenhad been pulled out of the wall with the facing broken off, and the dishwasher is messed up, there is a gap between the dishwasher and the counter that I have never seen before.

Basically, we need to pull it off the market again. I am staying home today from church (which is a major bummer) to try and get it fixed and cleaned up.

Now, my kids are and always have been destructive. But in the 10 days we have listed the house, they have been on overdrive.

It is making us really, really wonder if someone does not want us to sell our house.

Question is, who is the someone?

Is God telling us this is not the time, or are we under spiritual attack, which I wondered if we would be when we announced that we were going to adopt?

I KNOW that God loves adoption. I believe that, along with marriage, adoption is God's number one favorite thing that we as humans do, because adoption and marriage are the most symbolic of Christ's relationship to us. And we absolutely consider our adoption one way to bring Christ to a child who might never hear of him. So it is hard for me to believe that the Lord would discourage us from adoption, and if so, wouldn't he do it in more obvious way that trashing my house? He could just TELL us not to adopt, and we would obey.

But I also don't want to get melodramatic and say that the Enemy is out to get us if he is not. Although I keep thinking of our friends Bryan and Christie, who are set to go to Guatemala this fall as missionaries, and who have had everything go wrong with them from car breakdowns to kitchen fires to a miscarriage. We have no doubt that they are under spiritual attack.

I am asking for some real prayer on this issue. We need some discernment, and if it is attack, we seriously need some protection.

Thank you for laying us before the throne my friends.
Love, Mis

Later, I sent this email:

I want to give y'all all an update on what is going on. You have all been so sweet with your words and prayers and I thank you!

On Sunday, after I sent this email, I found this blog where this adoptive mom talks about how every time they announce their intentions to adopt, the warfare begins (read what she says about the lion - I can't get that image out of my mind.) Several other adoptive moms I emailed told me the same message (including Gwen Oatsvall and Mary at Owlhaven.) That made me think that we were definitely under attack.

I got back in bed and spent a lot of time in prayer, asking God to reveal his will to us. The day before I had listened to a podcast that was an interview of the missionary who led Shoefoot, a Yanomamo shaman to Christ (if y'all know me, you know that I am Shoefoot groupie, Spirit of the Rainforestis one of my favorite books.)

Long story short, in the podcast they had spoken about how a neighboring tribe was preparing to come ambush Shoefoot's village after they had all become Christians and they were praying and fasting about it. One of the former shamans looked out one morning, and saw a circle of white beings encircling and protecting their camp. Angels, right? But the missionaries had not even explained to them yet what angels were!

After praying that, I prayed that God would surround our house with an army of angels in the same way. Immediately after that, I flipped open my bible. Now, I am not usually a randomly-flip-open-your-bible- and-God-will-speak-to-you type girl. But on Sunday, I randomly flipped open my bible, and God spoke to me. So there ya go. My NIV was on the kitchen table so grabbed my Message and opened it to Isaiah 21. The whole thing is about being attacked, and the last line I read said this:

The good news I get from God-of-the-Angel-Armies,
the God of Israel, I now pass on to you.

GOD OF THE ANGEL ARMIES.
Um, yeah.

Talk about energized!! I sprung up, cleaned my house from top to bottom, watching crayon marks I had been scrubbing for weeks easily wash away, prayed out loud in each room, and told Satan over and over out loud that there was nothing he could do, he could bring it on, he could burn our house down, we were still adopting. It was a good, good day. I could feel all your prayers surrounding me - I can't say I have ever felt prayers before, but Sunday, I did. And it felt good :)

We will not be dissuaded from advancing God's kingdom.Whether our house sells or not. I ask you to continue to pray for protection for us - that the enemy would just give up and see he's wasting our time trying to talk us out of this. There is a baby (babies?) somewhere in the world for whom God has already chosen our funny sounding, impossible to spell last name, and we intend to go get them.

Thank you my friends - I love you all -
-Mis

While I cleaned, I listened to Seeds music the whole time - namely Romans 8:39-39:

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

and Psalm 62:

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

And things were good. For a few weeks.

Till they got bad again.

Soon, our home - still listed - was invaded by German cockroaches. Y'all, the exterminator and I got to know each other so well, we became friends. I refuse to add up how many hundreds of dollars we spent getting rid of the things.

I was complaining about it to my friend Karre at church one day and she looked me in the eye and said, "Are you under attack? Satan has always used cockroaches as a means against me."

Why, now that you mention it!!

There have been many other varied and sundry attempts to dissuade us. I am certain more attacks are to come.

It's not working. It's not gonna work.

So, if you have recently announced your plans to adopt, and you then find yourself saying, "I am a normal boring Presbyterian/Methodist/Baptist/Catholic/Etc/Non-Charismatic but suddenly, the weirdest things are happening and I feel like something evil is trying to do us in!", then no. It isnot your imagination.

You are normal and boring no more.

Because there is indeed a bright red bullseye painted smack dab on your be-hind.

And it will be very frightening. It will make you question whether you are up for the job. It will make you wonder why, considering you have no extra money and are such a mess of a wife and can't even control the kids you already have, what in the world business do you have in adopting? It's absurd to even consider it! Perhaps this isn't God's will after all??

Which is exactly what the enemy wants you to think.

I wonder how many times it has worked for him?
I wonder how many people did pull out?

Don't be one of those who let him win!

Your God is so much bigger.

He will show you that, as you go through this process. He will remind you that this is His adoption, and He is in control of it, not you, and certainly not the evil one. He will send you encouragers. He will send you scriptures. He will send you books and youtubes and TV shows. He will send you blog posts, maybe this one. He will send you cold hard cash!

He might even send old friends to whom you haven't spoken in weeks, who will text you out of the blue the morning of your homestudy when you are almost paralyzed with fear and doubt, and those friends will spend thirty minutes texting you bible verse after bible verse after bible verse until you are steeled and courageous (bless you, Shanna.)

Future adoptive parents, when you love an orphan, you become a very serious threat to the kingdom of darkness. There are wanted posters all over hell with your face on them.

And oh, what a blessed place to be!!

Father, please send your Angel-Armies to encircle our homes, to keep the enemy far, far away, and to protect every member of your covenant family as we seek to glorify you and ransom one of your own. In the mighty, mighty, MIGHTY name of Jesus, amen!!

Priceless...

...because some days it is just simply so important to remember to laugh...even if it is at yourself.

Twenty Two

We're getting closer. Can you feel it? This month was good for a couple of referrals affecting us and though courts will close Aug 8 to Sept 28, I feel that there is much in store during the next couple of months.

Here's to another 30 days closer.

And The Journey Continues

I'm not really back from this so-called hiatus. I'm in the midst of a week sans kids, and making the most of it. Oh - and we made the most of our hot hot weather last week too...but that's a story in photos perhaps for another day.

Today, ironically we will head on down to the "big city" and get our fingerprinting updated.

Thursday, we will visit with a (new!) social worker to update our homestudy.

It's all a bit ironic as today marks One Year since that horrible July 2009 date when Imagine announced bankruptcy. And some of the journeys came to a jarring halt. And some of the journeys raced full steam ahead. And some of the journeys changed course and headed in a different direction. And as tragic or exciting as it is and was, that's all part of the journey. And, some of the stories we will never know.

What we do know is that we've risen. We've come a long long way. And for us, there's no turning back. These tragedies, these uncontrollable circumstances, they all happen for a reason. And though we may never truly understand the reason, I believe this journey is the one that will take us to the child who is meant to be ours. Through the tears, the anguish, the exhaustion, the anticipation, the elation, the days upon days of waiting and hoping and praying and waiting some more, this is the only way to the one predestined for us.

And though we've always known we have wanted it...wanted her...we ache for her now. It's a sensation which couldn't possibly have been known, felt, or understood had we not endured this part of this journey. So while I'm not saying it's good, it's okay, it's needed, I am saying this: It just is. It is what it is.

So we will continue on waiting and hoping and praying and waiting some more. We know our day will come. All we need to do it hold on, journey along, expect great things.

We did it.

For A Brief Time

hi-a-tus [hahy-ey-tuh s]

-noun, plural -tus-es, -tus.

1. a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc.
2. a missing part; gap or lacuna: Scholars attempted to account for the hiatus i the medieval manuscript.
3. any gap or opening

I feel a desire, perhaps a need right now to refocus.

Focus down toward my children.

Focus across at my husband.

Focus forward at the next 8 1/2 weeks of ministry.

Focus up.

Always and constantly a focus heavenward.

Yes, there must be more of that.

The lapse could be short lived. Perhaps not. I'll still be around. The need for more presence in other places, with other people is more pressing than the need here. Certainly. A break for this Mama is necessary. Email, FB, old school telephones are still just a click away - as am I.

For now, in this moment of this glorious sunshine-filled evening with the hum of the mower in the background and the shrieks of the children ever joyful, it is clear that my presence is needed elsewhere. And there it shall remain for a brief time.